My Year , 2007 - In a nutshell

Scary , scary , scary... time is flying at such an accelerated pace nowadays. The year 2007 is almost at an end. Why I say its scary ? because come next month I'm gonna be a year older again . You're older so early at the start of the year, so many expectations and responsibilities placed upon you.

The year 2007 has made me experience and feel so many things. Family-wise, I've witnessed the power of patience and loyalty that was truly inspiring. To my family members, hang in there everyone ! things will be a lot brighter soon I hope :) .

Work-wise, well , I've seen how things are run and the politics around it . Hey , politics DO exists at work and in fact , I think it exists everywhere . Hate it or love it , you have no choice but to participate and play this dirty game. I'm trying my best to exclude myself from this dirty game. Friendships and loyalty were tested at work this year, mostly due to friendly competition to see who was better. Had a good friend of mine leaving for pastures new next year . In fact , a lot of my workmates are either have moved elsewhere or are looking at new opportunities to further their career. I realized that in the working life, you can have many friends and also lose many of them once they move out of the department. That is part and parcel of the working life. Job hopping is a normal cycle of the working life. My hopes for the future work-wise : Justice and transparency. I hope those who have been a constant contributor gets the credit they deserve and most importantly we need to look deep into ourselves and ask ourselves - "have I done enough?" . I will not be naive enough to think that there won't be any hiccups or problems at work. There will people who will try to piss you off and run your socks off. There will be injustice and mistakes . There will also be opportunities and moments of brilliance to look forward to.

Relationship-wise , well Purple , you know we've had crazy ups and crazy downs this year. As an expert in making mistakes , I hope you've really forgiven me for all of it this year. I would never have realized all of it if it wasn't for you to teach me , the hard way and the soft way. I will do my best not repeat it . Despite all the craziness and hard times, I know I can count on you to give me that little nudge to make me do things right and be stronger. I have been much stronger. I think my clumsiness , patience and slow-mo way of doing things balance well with your sharp, aggressive and street smart way hehe.. My hope for 2008: More happiness and stability . Most importantly , strength in everything we do. Let's do it together :) and oh, alert alert and more alert ! ;)

Friends-wise , guys , we never had beef with each other , I know you all will be around . May the tradition of Hari Keluarga lives on ! hehe .. maybe in PS3 ? hehe .. oh come on , by now I sense a cringe on each of the respective girlfriends' faces whenever the word Hari Keluarga pops up. Don't worry , you still mean the world in our lives :) We guys will make sure it is done on a day that will not interrupt what ever our plans are ok hehe .. come on , at least , we all don't go out cheating with other women . Everything is confined in a safe environment , which is home , with four PS joysticks , a multitap , PS2 and of course the Holy Grail of football games : Winning Eleven / Pro Evo Soccer. Added to that a little spice of comic books, trash talks , YouTube clips and some chips and drinks = a great buddy time :D .

2007 . What a year it was and here I am , typing this blog on purple's slick black HP laptop , hoping that 2008 will be another year of discovery , progress and a lot of love :)

18

The day my heart stopped beating .

My soul taken away.

My world stopped spinning.

Colors turn to gray.

Music with no melody.

Holding on to a small piece of hope.

You are appreciated

Never underestimate a woman's love. When a woman loves someone that they really fallen for, its for life. They will cook,wash, clean up and do basically everything and anything to please the one they love. And because of this deep love, they behave in a certain manner that men might consider as needy / nagging or bossy. Well guys out there, let me just say that is not the case all the time. I've seen it first hand.

I guess I am privileged enough to have very strong women by my side. One is someone I always thank God for to have met her and the other one, one of my own flesh blood. I think we as guys tend to take it too easy sometimes , knowing that there is always that woman to cover our tracks or clean up our mess and that they must obey us all the time. But let me ask you this question : what happens when suddenly they're gone ?

How will your life be ? Yes we must not put our life's hands on a woman , I'm sure there are many independent guys out there , but you must not deny the impact on how your lives will be especially when there is a woman in your life. I've seen it. I may not be the model partner sometimes, yet my other half still does the lovely little things she always does for me. Why can't we as guys do the same on a consistent basis? I hope I don't sound gay. I'm no expert in relationships , very far from being one. Past experiences are my teachers. I've seen that even if a husband is known to have cheated , the wife still puts on the blanket for him at night, washes his clothes and everything. Why? because a woman's love is unconditional so is a mother's love.

Guys, do we really keep to our words all the time ? Sometimes no right ? Please, all they need is your understanding , attention, unconditional love and most importantly your loyalty. Appreciate.

"You never know what you got til' its gone" never meant so much until recently. Think about it.

6 weird things

I've been tagged by purple and jamie. Here goes:

1) I tend to speak to myself whenever I'm watching a football game , especially with Liverpool in it. I tend to be the manager at that time.

2) I will get sore throat if I drink something with too much ice . My tonsils will start to swollen. Yet if I go on an ice cream marathon , I'll be just fine.

3) I would wake up and start screaming once in a while if somebody simply wakes me up all of a sudden. Yeah , freak-a-zoid right? (cue twilight zone theme song)

4) Its hard for me to fall asleep inside an air-conditioned room , but if you put me under a fan , I'll be checking in Dream Hotel in no time.

5) I dunno if this is considered weird , any possible sign of weight gain is only reflected on my face , not on my body. So I'd look like a Chuppa Chup , round on top but kayu lidi - like from the neck down :P

6) Try to cubit or bite my arms , I won't feel a thing . Oh or you can try plucking the hairs on my arms , I don't feel anything :) Just my arms though .

Choices

I've come to realize that one of the most significant gift a human can have which is given by God is our ability to make a choice. Choices lead you to different paths in your life. Choices can define you , destroy you , make you , break you , liberate you , satisfy you etc... In other words, you can choose what sort of condition you want to be in.

If you choose to be moody and prefer to be cranky , then that's exactly what you'll become. But if you choose to be grateful and appreciate what you have , you will tend to feel a lot better. On a personal note, I chose to be happy and grateful , but what can you do if the people around you decides to want more ? they want everything so much more that this hunger begins to consume them , blinding their sense of judgment and rationale ?

I don't know.

You try to do things in moderation without going overboard, sometimes , due to the forgiving nature of us humans , we seem to give in to the demands that are sometimes against our choice. Let's talk about temper , can we all choose not to be angry or sad ? I believe everything is a state of mind. Yes, maybe sometimes certain fates that has happened does not really give you any clear cut choices or any choice to make. Sometimes , out of love we tend to sacrifice our very own basic needs in order to make someone happy. That's a given , coz its not much of a choice , its an obligation.

I sometimes wish I can 'choose' to be more strict , bold and aggressive . In other words, I wish I can choose to be a bastard and f*&% things up once in a while . Please mind the foul words. When you become too nice , people misuse that and step on you. Will it be a good union if only one person is allowed to be upset at any particular time and the other person can't ? Is it fair ?

I don't know.

Loyalty . I see that word as just that - a word. The good old times used to put loyalty in very high regard . Yet nowadays, people tend to be disloyal when they see an outside opportunity to get what they have not been getting from a particular person / company / place etc.. No wonder you see a lot of infidelity cases , betrayals , defection etc ... Your loyalty will only go as far as your inner desires. For people who are bound with a high code of loyalty and trust , how do you think they would feel if the very entity that they are loyal to , becomes disloyal ?

Angry. Defeated. Betrayed.

I'm slightly losing grip of myself . Will there ever be a choice ?

Will I finally see harmony and victory from this raging war of anger within me?

I do think I will feel a lot better if I get what I want once in a while . I do think it would be better that I get the respect I want once in a while. I do not feel I am respected . I feel violated , not liberated . A tough balancing act is needed between the truth and the heart.

Choices , choices and more choices ... what will it be ? choose your destiny .

Til all are really really ONE .

Peace be upon you all.

Selamat Hari Raya

I wish to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri , Maaf Zahir dan Batin . Forgive me for all my mistakes and I wish God will forgive the sins of all my family members, loved one, friends and enemies if I have any.

Enjoy this Raya and have a great year ahead :)

Peace be upon you all ..

til all are one ....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOO

:)

The Ultimate Worrier

I came up with that title hehe..

Neh I'm not here to talk bad or diss anyone out there. Just trying to express my worries over those whom I feel needs to look at life a little bit more seriously. When I see youngsters or peers alike nowadays, I see that there this growing trend of studying overseas just for the sake of being there. Sort of to say, "hey, I studied overseas too " . Well you can roughly guess why they're there in the first place by browsing through their pictures on friendster, myspace or facebook and 101 other vanity induced sites to post your slimmest face online. You know, the pose that gives the impression that you're sucking a thick milkshake in one go ? or maybe the Zoolander pose - Blue Steel hehe ,.. you get my drift ?

And almost 80% of the pics are taken in clubs ? and its being constantly updated on a weekly basis ? Got study or not ?

Whether or not you do well is another story. As long as you bring that piece of paper with the university seal and your name on it. Hey its cool to socialize or hangout . I do that too. Maybe not as often , but I still do.

The point I'm trying to say is , why waste your parents' money like that ?

Maybe some of them have everything set for them when they graduate . But what happens to those who don't know what they wanna do ? instead of taking things day by day and partying all nite , why don't we take a breather and ask ourselves " hey , what am I gonna do later?"

We must all realize that as we get older , there will be sudden change of lifestyles and priorities. I have made certain friends of mine upset just because I declined to do things that we considered 'ok' when I was in college. Unfortunately not many of them managed to grasp that concept.

I come from humble and simple surroundings , for me to get things that I want , I need to work extra hard for it . Unlike the majority of those around me. Maybe its ok for them to waste $$ on certain things and expect the parents to make up for their loss.

I'm not preaching everyone to stop partying and enjoy life. You all have that right, by all means party on :) . I'm just saying , to people who know me , that play time for me has to slashed in half . Simply because I've got things to achieve and important things to take care of . I just want out of your activities list man .

Everybody wants a good life , what are we doing to achieve it ?


Til all are one ...

Peace be upon you..

Phuket

I havn't blogged about Phuket yet right ? well I thought I could give a visual on how things were during our stay.

The view from above . We took Air Asia by the way . Never have I seen the food I eat from local grocery stores like Ribena and Maggi could be priced at such high prices. I rather get a McD !

The flight took us about an hour and 15minutes . We booked a room in this 4-star hotel called 'Burasari' - located right smack in the middle of Patong Beach town area and walking distance to the night market there . When we got there, a hotel limo was waiting for us. Or supposed to..

The limo arrived more than an hour late due to some confusion with the arrival time that we have provided them with. But the new Toyota Camry that picked us up made me forget bout it coz it was such a comfortable car.

We arrived and checked in and here's the view of the hotel :

The swimming pool was nothing out of the ordinary but it was still fun to swim in. I finally managed to swim! Thanx to my hot female instructor ;P .

The garden coffee house :

This was where we had our complimentary breakfast . This place was called LLoyd's Brasserie . It was named after the this chef dude who appeared a lot on TV . Well the main dishes were all his creations.

and here's the best part , the room :

the idea of having a toilet with a window overlooking the bedroom disturbed me at first, coz you don't wanna be making unpleasant noises when you're doing your 'investments' right ? hehe .. by the way , the brown bag's complimentary , you can take it wherever you want . Mini Bars are free of charge as well as daily complimentary fruits .

huge bed , 3 times bigger than mine :P

and even the hotel toilet looked nice :

I felt so sayang use the toilet coz it was too clean :P

We shopped a lot at the night markets . I didn't do all the prices negos , I let the missus do the talking . I just pay hehe .. Seriously man , I can't even bargain with a kid . I'm lousy at it. And we also went to this famous shopping center called 'Jung Ceylon' , about 20mins walk from our hotel :

Nothing much here except I bought a Fossil watch coz there was a Fossil sale! so there goes half of my budget already :P Got myself a Liverpool European Away Kit for RM35 .

Despite our battle to suppress the evil lure of chocolates , we finally succumbed to the forces of the dark side here :

how can you not be seduced by the dark side when it looked this good :

it was even cocky enough to say this :

Unfortunately we don't have that in Malaysia. Besides that , we had massages , Thai style. And somebody got her nails done :

My lower back heeled after the session and how can it not heal , especially when your being twisted here and there like a gymnast with sounds of bones crackling.

Finally , the beach :

Well the beach in my opinion , is nothing to shout about . I think our very own Redang or Perhentian would look so much better.

Overall, I have to say it was something different to what we have experienced before , especially in terms of culture and food . Looking forward for a second visit next year ;). All this would not be possible if my purple didn't found the Burasari website . Thank you for coming up with a marvelous idea . Appreciate all the time we had there :) .

That's all for now, need to shower and get on to the thesis paper I was supposed to help :)

Til all are one .......


Peace be upon you all ....

The enemy within

How do you fight back your worst enemy when that enemy is yourself ?

Still fighting this battle . This enemy has a potential to destroy everything that I hold dear to. I sometimes realize that in order to master the battles around you , you must win the battle within yourself first and foremost. Have you ever been in a situation where you know , deep down , you are capable of doing something , yet you have this old habit of making mistakes that just spoils everything ?

I have to admit that I'm struggling with myself to get rid of bad old habits and maintaining a high self respect and dignity at the same time. I guess I've been too accommodating to everyone. I forgot about ME. I have not been fair to myself . But most of the time, if I let myself too free , there is the looming danger of being caught off guard . I was good last time because I was in control of these things. I know when to open up and be on guard. My defenses have dropped tremendously .

I've learned a new thing in life : The key to being happy is to make sure everyone get what they want , whatever YOU want , either you choose to abandon it completely or you put it aside is up to you. Freedom of thought , choice , speech is a thing of the past. There is no such thing as great , only adequate . God is not foolish to create all beings to be great . There will be nothing to learn off each other then. That's why there are varieties.

How much longer will I live in fear ? the fear of loss can be unbearable . Will fear make me a better person ? We need to take life seriously . We have to burn it into our heads that we are being evaluated all the time. Imagine that everyone is carrying a mental appraisal form to evaluate you. You must not let your guard down for a second , do not be in the comfort zone - EVER . Whatever you do must be tip-top and efficient. No matter how much of a strain it does unto you , ignore it . We need to get used to it the Pavlovian way . Turning it into a healthy habit. When things get too proper instead , don't have to blame yourself , you did everything right.

They say you learn better when you experience things , have I got a lot of lessons learned ? Sure did . It'll take everything to reach to that level I aim for . It must be done .

Please, please be careful not to get stereotyped or labeled as something you're not . Consider that before you start allowing yourself for mistakes.

Good night world . Tomorrow I'll do my best not to make mistakes . God , bless me and all my loved ones , please forgive all their sins and hopefully you bring me more inner peace...

Til all are one ......

Peace be upon you all.

Random thoughts

So I haven't been active lately . Went to Phuket last week , instead of getting tanned , my cheeks which gives people the impression that I'm blushing 24/7 , turned redder :P . Surprisingly the weather was just nice and sunny throughout the 4 days stay there , contrary to the weather forecast which said its gonna rain like hell .

I'm just gonna write random things here , so try not to get lost ... you'll tend to be. I dunno how I'm allocating some time here to blog despite my tight roster this month . 9 extra pay covers this month on top of my default 15 days a month of work time. Let's not forget its 12 hours. Just thought I work hard this month to get more $$$ and a wide smile when I see the payslip :) . Gotta save up man . Next month I'll chill and rest coz its puasa month . Amazing how I juggle things up and tried to make time for everyone. A little time for myself to play Winning Eleven , I can only do that for only like 1 hour max ... seround dua je. That God of War 2 game is still pending to be finished . I got myself the prequel novel to the Transformers movie - Ghosts of Yesterday . Hooked to it like a drug. Bay and Spielberg brought back the little kid in me who used to go crazy over Transformers . I used to cry at the toy store if my dad didn't get me a Transformer toy . In fact nowadays , I'd watch it at the office to catch up hehe . .

I noticed that after so many heartbreaks and disappointments , it tends to make a person become bitter and lose hope . I pity this kind of person . Bitter to a point that any chance for hope is not evident anymore . Not allowing yourself a chance to love again is a sad thing , not everything is like a business , things don't always turn bad and ugly all the time . My advice to this person , please , don't be negative . You've got so much to offer , don't get stuck inside your bitter bubble and let opportunities slip by . I wanna help you , I know you think you've got all the answers , sometimes , even the best of us needs some good advice.

Work-wise , well I've been coping , this whole team re-shuffling and new seniors and 2nd man this month does get confusing . Everything seems fine at work . I'd love to take a shot at being a 2nd man someday . Good to see my junior get a nod ahead of me to be the team's 2nd man. The senior probably has concrete reasons for his decision . I got no problems with that , time is on my side , it was probably the best solution for the team at the moment . All for the team man .

Anyways , will post some pics from Phuket if I have the time . Time is a luxury for me nowadays. I know I can't keep apologizing to everyone for not having the time to spend , but this job pays well and gives me stability in terms of $$$ . I can't stress how important that is for young working guys like me . If I'm rich then it'd be a totally different story . Bila tak kaya , buat cara tak kaya .. jangan berlagak kaya - that's what my mom would always say to me. Savings are important man . When the time comes to seek new opportunities , who knows , I'll probably get my life back on track :) . I cannot afford to party and have fun all the time like before . This is a necessary step for greater things ahead.

Peace be upon you.

My Reflection



picture courtesy of : http://www.photomania.net/shadows


Ever felt lost in your life ? Ever experienced the bitterness of pain and the damning feeling of guilt over a mistake ? Ever come across what you had longed for and when you got it , you failed to live up to expectations ?

Feeling neither in the crossroads nor anywhere , just lost . What have been achieved and learned all these years ? What if there is no such thing as 'greatness' or ' success' after all ? Is it possible that a wrong direction has been taken ?

Why are you here ?

Why do you exist ? for what purpose ?

They say we all came to this world like a piece of white cloth , and life's experiences are the colors that gives us our patterns . What have you become ?

What we are today , to a certain extent , are the result of our upbringing . I personally wished I had a better way to channel my anger and my talents . Instead , the mind overcomes what your heart tells you to do . You began to doubt . The mind most of the time does not tell you what to do . It only gives you information and raises more questions . But the heart pushes you to do what you instinctively feel what's right.

When there's little coordination between the mind and the heart , that's when you make mistakes . Your heart urges you to do something , but when you let your mind decide , you start to doubt whether you should or should not do it . I think I suffer from that . Often times, I let my heart decide , but when there are 1001 'what ifs' inside your head , you get confused during the decision making process .

I have been making countless little mistakes and paid the price dearly. Little by little the respect is lost , everyone starts to be less generous when it comes to giving praise and encouragement . Even from people close to you . Running away from all the troubles is just not the best solution , only a temporary solitude . I think this face and heart had taken a lot of beating and humiliation. Has that made me stronger ? I don't feel strong .

What good are you if people don't believe in you anymore ? I'm sinking into the black puddle , slowly . You have many aspirations , so many targets and goals you want to achieve . Yet , you are trapped . I feel that I do not have the grip on my reality as it used to be. I know I'm better than what I am today. What happened ? where was the focus and drive ? I used to be in control of my surroundings . Has mental fatigue been the cause ?

I took a jab to relieve my back pains and some medicine to cure this high fever of mine. Have I been on overdrive ? Not only the body is weak , the mind has been weaker . Need to bounce back from this mediocrity . Need to reclaim that individual spark that was so vibrant in the past. Unlike others , I realized one good lesson : if you want something to work , do it yourself , don't rely on others .

But now I'm lost . I need to lead my life towards the light . A transformation should take place . Will it be enough ?

Alone again as before . I'm reflecting on life's experiences like a bunch of TV monitors placed in front of me . Is it too late for a change ? Can you save the day ? hero ?

Little Boy

Little girl likes little boy . Little boy feels the same too . One day little girl brings a pack of eggs , little girl said "If you like me and want to play with me , you must promise not to break these eggs on your back" , little boy agreed "ok , I promise".

Eventually the little boy broke the eggs one by one until all the eggs are all over him , making his whole body smelly and dirty. Little girl went angry and don't want to play with him already . Little boy cried . Little boy knows he broke his promise and no one will want to play with him already now that he is smelly and dirty .

The boy sat alone behind a tree and starts crying .

He sat there looking at little girl who is playing alone . . . .

Song At The Moment : 'Someone To Love' by Babyface and Jon B

An old-skool ballad I love back from my pimply sekolah menengah days . Wish I had the voice to sing this . :)

[Jon]

Don't even like to think about

I don't know what I'd do without it

I only know I'll live and not be for your love

Baby you came to me

In my time of need

When I needed you, you were there for me

Baby the love from you is what got me through

It's because of you, I was able to

Give my heart again

You gave me....

1 - [Jon & Babyface]

Someone to love

Someone to touch

Someone to hold

Someone to know

Someone to love

Someone to trust

Someone to hold

Oh, someone to know

[Babyface]

I thought I'd never love again

I thought my life was over, and

I didn't wanna face or even see another day baby

Suddenly from nowhere

Baby, you appeared

You dried my tears

You cared for me

Maybe your love for me

Truly rescued me

It's because of you, I was able to

Fall in love again

You gave me someone....

[Jon]

For so long in my life

I wouldn't let love inside

But I swallowed my pride

The day you arrived

[Babyface]

And now with you by my side

Everything is all right

It's because of you, I was able to...

[Jon]

Give my heart again (girl)

Repeat 1 while:

And you gave me someone to love

And you gave me someone to love

You gave me someone to love

Someone to know

And you gave me someone to love

And you gave me someone to love

You gave me someone to love

Someone to know

Kerek-ter

They say being strong does not always mean physical strength, but the real strength lies in your character. With age comes wisdom , with knowledge comes power .

You could be the most prospective , high potential individual out there , but sometimes when you know you're good you get too cocky . You tend to make mistakes . Which is why having someone with experience beside you can guide you to greater heights.

Same goes to life . I think personally , I've endured all kinds of experiences . Some are great , some can be very bad . I've been faced with rejection , humiliation , intimidation , isolation and sometimes aggression . Those are the bad ones , but I've also experienced love , friendship , companionship and responsibilities . Somehow I think God is trying to make me learn the hard way .

I think I've learned a great deal these couple of years . I've learned that some things just can't be avoided and its not because I have bad luck . Everything happens for a reason . I have refrained myself from blaming the whole world because of my problems. Certain things were just meant to happen . I've also realized that little things go a long way .

I don't really have a stressful job . I mean whatever I go through at work stays at the office . I never brought my work back home . Maybe its the lack of rest . Sometimes the stress and the strain contributed a lot to my recurring lower back problems , making things hard for me to even bend down and tie my shoe laces . I try to get as much rest as I can .

Here I am reflecting how things have turned out for me so far . I could proudly say that I can stand on my own right now . I have a job , I pay my own never-ending bills and I could afford to have my own car . Thanx to my pact with Purple , we're slowly saving up to allow us to travel for holidays and so on. Though I can't always go on holidays all the time like the rest of my peers , at least when the time comes for me to go , I'd make full use of the opportunity . All the hard work really pays dividends , especially when you see everyone is happy . I don't mind working hard , as long as I keep everyone happy .

Despite that , as a human and as a humble man , we make mistakes along the way . Lately , its either I make a lot of costly mistakes or everyone is trying to find faults on me . There seems to be a lack of tolerance lately over my mistakes . I feel my pride as a person is being peeled off little by little by how I get treated over my mistakes nowadays . I've been working hard , maybe not hard enough . Its not a nice feeling to have when people are angry at you , all guns blazing , eyes full of rage , hatred and foul words thrown at you like rotten eggs .

They say life's experiences builds a character , what sort of character will I finally turn out to be ? After all the ups and downs , triumphs and disappointments . Will I end up being a good character ? Don't forget that being evil is a journey . Will I lean more towards the dark side or will I come out on top and achieve greatness ?

Song of the Month

Artist : Michael Buble
Title : Call Me Irresponsible

Special dedication to you :)


Call me irresponsible
Call me unreliable
Throw in undependable, too

Do my foolish alibis bore you?
Well, I'm not too clever, I
I just adore you

So, call me unpredictable
Tell me I'm impractical
Rainbows, I'm inclined to pursue

Call me irresponsible
Yes, I'm unreliable
But it's undeniably true
That I'm irresponsibly mad for you

Do my foolish alibis bore you?
Girl, I'm not too clever, I
I just adore you

Call me unpredictable
Tell me that I'm so impractical
Rainbows, I'm inclined to pursue

Go ahead call me irresponsible
Yes, I'm unreliable
But it's undeniably true
I'm irresponsibly mad for you

You know it's true
Oh, baby it's true

Anger Management

Met a psychologist friend of my dad who dropped by. He told me that I'm a very angry person just by looking at my face. He said the calm face is actually out of frustration that I can't really express my angers well. Sort of like a cannon with no arm / volcano without the furnace . I was astounded . I have to say yes I do have difficulties expressing my anger, normally I keep things inside.

He said don't always keep it inside, don't let too many angers explode inside. He said "Orang macam ni bahaya ni, kalau sekali dier meletup , susah nak berhenti" .

He asked me what I was angry about , I didn't really wanna tell him , but he understood . He said "if people can express their anger at you , why can't you ?" , I told him I don't wanna make a mess. He said "That's good, you mind tells you to be rational . Normally people with high mood swings and temperamental succumb to their feelings and all else don't register in their heads anymore. "

He gave an example, " Kalau orang moody dah marah , apa benda baik you buat sebelum ni untuk dia pun tak guna , bila dier dah marah dier lupa sekejap semua tu " .

He advised me to be more forthright and open if theres something I feel is not right. Then slowly all the anger won't be stored inside . Try to let it go slowly.

Good piece of advice . I can't say it'll be easy , I mean obviously its gonna piss some people close to me , but I'll try my best .

Do you speak-er any Engrish ?

Grammatically wrong English words used by Malaysians :

1) Thats mean
--------------------
Well if you read it carefully it would normally mean - "Hey that's mean . You should apologize " . However , some use it as - "So thats mean we all meet up at the office tonite la okay?" . Maybe they wanted to say 'that means' but often fail to distinguish this .

2) Others people
-----------------------
People is plural , but not everything must have an 's' to it. eg. " Wei, don't do like that, what if others people know?"

3) Should be can
-----------------------
This one is almost right , but they had to put 'can' at the end. eg. " You want it like that? should be can la."

4) Peoples
----------------
Yep. e.g " Wahh, so many peoples here. "

5) Somestimes
---------------------
Thanx to my fren who told me this. eg. "Somestimes these things can happen."

6) 'Z' as Jet
------------
Eg. " How to spell L-A-Z-Y ? L-A-Jet-Y " or "My handphone number is Jiro -1-9...."

7) Dontch (Don't)
------------------
Eg. "I dontch know what you are talking about"

Jeckyl and Hyde Dilemma

Guys, have we become wusses ?

I woke up read a few blogs and one article was taken from the States that mentioned how women have ruined men nowadays. After reading it, it got me into an 'Isaac Mendes' state of mind (in case you don't know, he's the drug junkie cum painter in HEROES) but instead of in a trance to paint , I got into a trance to write ... eyes glowing white hehe .. with my own drug - jazz

Basically it was about the fluctuating demands and incoherent needs surrounding women nowadays that have affected how men should behave . Women can never settle for one type of guy. The type of guy women wants changes from one mood to the other. So for guys who feel that they have found the 'One' and happy to be what he is as long as their partner doesn't complain can think again.

Well it all depends on each situation and environment really, some prefer us to be cold-blooded, strong and takes charge of things .. while some have been trained to be more sensitive , emotional and highly obedient . But what really attracts them ? is it the emotionless tough guy or the caring , sensible mr-nice-guy?

More often nowadays, we guys have to intelligently switch between the lines , from mr-tough guy to mr-nice guy at certain situations without letting the partner know about it. How long will this go on ? They all say its always the guys' fault ..but does the problem really lies with our male species or the other way around ? hehe

WORDS WOMEN USE

******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

The Autumn Leaf

I'm bad. Seriously, I'm just a really bad person.

I had aspirations of having a good life . I achieved that to a certain degree, yet I didn't realise the amount of effort needed to sustain it. I would've liked all the entities in my life would move in one single orbit , moving in unison and with great balance . When every single entity goes out of orbit, you struggle to keep every single one in place. When everything goes away from you, what do you have left ? Do you think your life is worth living without those entities ?

Well I'm a human being. In essence, we make mistakes .. why? because that's what humans do . We're not perfect . But for me , I think I make too many mistakes . Too many to the extent of hating yourself for it . To the extent of you reflecting whether you should keep everything and try your best to sustain it til God knows when , or you let it all free ....

Wishful thinking indeed. Nowadays , everywhere I go , I make mistakes . A typical friend would advice "Hey , learn from your mistakes and move on" . Any other great advice ?

Making mistakes is one thing , but have we ever considered the feelings of those we make mistakes to ? How long will they have to take the crap you gave them ? There will come point where they'll get up and leave you ...

I have made that mistake boys and girls. Please, don't go down the same path as me. Don't make the mistake I did. I wished things would be better , in fact , I wish everything to be better . Sadly , the voice of reason don't always come to your ears when you needed it. So we all pay the price when we make mistakes , doesn't matter if its big or small .

I've got a thousand flaws I can list down about myself , I discover it every single day, sometimes the easy way , sometimes the hardest way . You live a life where you hope people would accept your flaws and try to work on those flaws together. Yet how many can actually accept it ? or more importantly , for how long ?

Would you risk seeing that person suffer for your stupid little mistakes at the expense for their right to be happy ? I can't .

Whenever theres someone who is good, there is always someone who is better.

And that person who is 'better' can always come and claim what the 'good' person has . Typically, we all don't like problems. Who likes problems ? we all wanna be happy right ?

But some people live better lives than others . I consider myself to be the struggling kind , who is trying to keep up and climbing up . When you align someone who has a stable life and someone like me , you will have some conflicts. You try to keep up so fiercely , sacrificing your own mind, body and soul to it .... but at the end , you disappoint . And normally a stable person wouldn't understand struggles like these , coz everything comes naturally easy. But for people like me , I have a life where other people make big mistakes , and it sends ripples to all those who are linked to it . We all get the piece of its consequences . Do I choose to get it ? no. It came to me. Is it fair that I be judged unfairly because I have to bear the problems too ? no.

If I was born in another place , clean, stable life , stable relationship , and working normally , I wouldn't be facing all these . When you have to be in tip top condition and required to be at your best mental state and body all the time , it puts a strain on you . When everything has to be in perfect timing and execution , you fail , you will pay the price .

Everyone , listen to my advice carefully . Appreciate everyone around you , love them all , never be on the comfort zone .... always stay sharp and mentally alert , always have a little bit of fear in you. The fear of losing your precious ones. It keeps you on your toes. When you slack off or spend too much time in your comfort zone like me , that's the best time mistakes will come after you . And when you make that mistake , your precious one goes away, you will start to write and give advices to other people too .

Don't be like me. Whatever you still have with you , keep it . You never know when you'd commit a mistake and they will be taken away from you ...

Spiderman , Spiderman , Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman

I know I shouldn't be blogging right now , yet I can't help it . I need this . So many things on my shoulders , increasing everyday. I'm feeling kinda sick . Body temperatures rising , head spinning and exhausted . I kinda need to write a report for my manager right now , yet I'm out of ideas . Need to use my old motto ' Sometimes you have to go away , in order to come back '.
I dunno why so many people depend on me. I feel like I'm Peter Parker . I never ask such responsibilities , however they come to me as they please . You know , with great power , comes great responsibilities kinda thing . So I try to embrace those words . Now I feel like I'm too responsible for everything . Something like bearing all the world's problems on my shoulders.

I don't want to be an irresponsible bastard , so I try to be more responsible through a series of strategies and plans in my head . Never did I realise that its doing me more harm than good . We all wanna live a good , stable life right ? to me , a good stable life is a life with less problems on all fronts as well as spending your lifetime with the person you care about. However , sometimes the simplest can be the most difficult to achieve .

I don't like the notion 'Today is today , tomorrow is tomorrow" . I like to plan today , for a better tomorrow . I don't like problems , so I do whatever I can to minimise those problems from becoming bigger . Like stopping a zit from getting it bigger . What do you do to prevent zits ? you cleanse , tone and moisturise right ? Why do you do it ? because you wanna make sure your skin's environment is well maintained and minimises its chance of getting infected . Some zits come and go after few days , some would stay longer and leave a mark . Same goes to problems .

What do you do if you want a life with less problems ? you plan your life . Yes , I do agree that not all of my life's plan has come to fruition , but am I wrong to plan to improve its condition ?
In life , you have to be realistic . Life ain't like the movies all the time . Whenever you have the opportunity to improve and stabilise your life , you do it . Planning is one thing , but you must also take action . You can have 1001 plans on your head , but will u have the will to materialize it ?

I strive to please everyone , to make sure everyone gets what they want . I have a weakness for that . If I'm eating a nice pasta and my fren can only afford a 'roti canai' , I wanna make sure he gets to eat what I'm eating . That's my style.

I'm feeling a bit angry and sad that people close to me are suffering because of me and my responsibilities . Like Peter Parker and Mary Jane . Despite the many adversities and super powers , Spiderman is still human like all of us and Mary Jane represents that link to his humanity which is his undying love towards her . Without that link , he will lose his focus and turn slowly into the dark side . He may not be able to express his love to her like the rest or be there all the time , but he just hopes that she would one day understand that if there ever was a person who come to her rescue with his last breath , it would be him .

Peace.

ASTRO Kreatif Club's Treasure Hunt 2007

Guess what , I participated in the event above and my team got 3RD PLACE !! out of 54 teams . Nehh , not much of an achievement kan .. :P . Apalah sangat 3RD PLACE .

I have to say this year it was a fairly balanced occassion . Clues were challenging . Very competitive teams . I'm beginning to get addicted to this whole treasure hunt thingy. Last year we only made it to 30th place , this year was a huge leap . I guess everyone's IQ was on a good level this year hehe. Each of us got a handphone each and an RM500 slimming voucher. Not that I need slimming ( well, maybe my chubby face ) , but hey , better than nothing . The prizes were the only letdown this year in my opinion . However they more than compensated that by giving us rooms at Awana Kijal Terengganu . The rooms were excellent , facilities were good , all the staffs were very friendly and service was great.

Each team is made up of a 'four-man cell'. A navigator , a driver , a puzzle solver and a runner . I was the puzzle solver . And believe me , it was not easy . Luckily based on my experience last year , I kinda got the hang of how they prepare the questions and clues . For first timers , its an eye opener .

Really enjoyed my time there. I wanna join this event every year !

Peace.

Snakes and Corporate Ladders

What would you do to get to the top ?

Will you sacrifice your moral fibre and pride just to get to the top ?

Would you risk losing your close friends ? family ? loved ones?

I'm here to say something about this indipensable culture that I noticed in the corporate world : bootlicking . I wonder why employers do not include this in their list of requirements for their prospective candidates . I think many have resorted to bootlicking to accelerate their ascension up the corporate ladder nowadays .

I always believe that if you're good, you're good . You'll get that promotion . I don't think I should act like I'm actually doing some work just for the sake of the boss to notice me . I don't think small issues should be made like a Mount Everest and start blaming every other department in the company . And one thing bootlickers all have in common is they like to backstab their close colleagues .

Office politics #1 :
Never get to close to a colleague . They might report your complaints directly to your boss behind your back .

Different people have different ways to get promoted . Some will act very bossy and orders people around like he's the boss ...konon to show that he has leadership skills . Little did he know that not many people actually like him . Some leaders are silent , they operate silently in the background . Some enjoy the limelight , they like the attention .

All I'm saying is , promotions should be based on meritocracy if the company really claims so . Favouritism still reigns unfortunately and those who don't 'stick out' enough gets sidelined . Now before anyone thinks I'm not happy or happen to be one of those disgruntled employees , then let me assure you that I'm perfectly ok . I don't play that dirty game man . Politics are dirty business in my book .

I'm just amused at the extent people would do to get up that ladder . I'm not saying I'm happy to stay at the lower hierarchy forever , I believe your time will come if you do things with honesty and passion . I like observing these bootlickers , you learn a lot of lessons just by watching . Employers must be careful that those who don't 'stick out' doesn't mean they're ineffective workers . There are a great number of those who do things in the background and contributed a lot , yet they don't like to tell the whole world about it . Low profile .

I believe this culture exist in most organizations out there . That's just too bad really . We'll end up promoting the wrong person all the time . The wrong people will be up there . Being on top of the hierarchy carries a lot of responsibilities and risks , someone capable should be selected .

How do we stop this ? well let's start by encouraging the bosses to sneak in and observe their employees once in a while . See the real truth , see who's the one actually doing the job and make your decisions based on that . Not by how many e-mails or letters you receive :)

Like the board game - snakes and ladders , sometimes you get a ladder to move up , but sometimes you get swallowed by the snake and you'll come crashing down again . So be careful bootlickers :)

What goes around , comes around .

No room for hate

I was browsing through friendster and discovered the other side of some of my colleagues that I had a hard time figuring out . Usually we all like to jump to conclusions when we find that there is this one person whom you think , you'll never get along. He/she gives you this feeling that maybe you did something wrong or maybe you're out of their league. However , I try not to jump to conclusions whenever I find a 'difficult' person to get along with . He may appear to be cold , rude bla bla .. but most of the times I discovered , they're actually not bad . Just misunderstood . Maybe lacking some social skills and manners , that's all .

I try to be nice and humble to everyone , coz that's just the way I am . I got a motor-mouthed friend who can be too irritating at times , yet , other people see him in a different light . Everybody's got their own flavor you know , you can't expect everyone to be the same . So it's all good . So far I have no enemies and hopefully no one is holding a grudge or hate against me . Some people don't like it when you're too nice to them ... they prefer you to talk rough with them , makes them more jantan hehe .. another male ego complex that some of us guys have .

There's always two sides of a coin . Sometimes the good side don't always get noticed . I believe theres goodness in everyone , it's just the way we express it can be different . However , make no mistake that I do have limits over my kindness , if you're too grumpy or too moody to even have a light conversation , then I leave you alone , no problem :) . Different people have different ways to gain respect . Some gain it by force and intimidation , while some gain through honesty and an open mind .

You do it your way , I do it mine .

Missing the scent of a flower

Went to Midvalley to meet up some old officemates back in KGC . Can't help but feeling nostalgic about it. Nostalgic in a sense that I've always been here with someone special , and had great times to top it all off . Yet today , I was alone . Eating at Chilli's reminded me of that craving for the bottomless nachos which we never really had the chance to eat . Walking by Baskin robbins reminds me of the times when we'd queue up and carrying the 2 plastic water cups around looking for a place to taste the heavenly ice cream . I know it was too sweet .

Walking by all the shops like MNG ..etc.. made me wished I could play fashion consultant for a while , eventhough my consultation was never really needed , yet it feels good . Not to mention the Levi's limited edition T's on display , worn by the more masquline physique of the mannequin . I asked myself few times why I made myself alone here . Standing in front of GSC reminds me of the times where there would be endless debates on which movie is the best to watch , but at the end , we settled for a Thai movie instead like always .

Cosmic Bowl . Hmm Fun Fun Fun . Many crazy deals were made there , still few debts still unpaid .. the sound of people bashing the buttons of Bishi Bashi next to Cosmic Bowl made me wanna challenge them , see who bashes the fastest . I wonder if anyone else were as good to finish the game in one night . After me and friends parted ways , I was solo . Walking down , further down . Passed by Lovely Lace and that dancing doll doing her thang at the press of a button . Sony Walkman phone , yes that dream still remains .

These arms , though not as built or buff like other guys , felt different. Felt light . There's also that shop where their milkshake actually have ice cubes inside . But there was shaven ice , Honey Dew flavour , a favourite . I parked the car underground . As I walked , the smell of the herbal eggs seemed irresistible , "someone would've definitely bought it" , I thought . The bakery , the chocolates , the many different tarts , I passed by .. with a light smile . Manhattan Fish Market , a sacred place . Full of memories .

As I got to the carpark , I remember when there would be arguments where the car is , although sometimes I acted blur just for the thrill of it .. it was fun . But on that day , none of those feeling were there . I was alone . Empty . I miss everything .

Most importantly , I miss the scent and presence of a certain flower ........

My Wedding Experience

Just got back from my cousin's wedding. I didn't know my cousin is marrying one of CLEO's Most Eligible Bachelors. Only from the visual slideshow they provided did I knew it. JW Marriott does provide one of the best ballrooms in KL I have to say . I think it was overall a simple yet elegant affair throughout the night. With my cousin's Jazz band performing in the background , added a touch of class with almost everyone dressed in suits . For the first time , I get to 'sembah' the Agung man . I know he's still human like all of us , but I've never 'sembah' an Agung before . So it was quite a memorable moment .

I think there were more than 20 Tan Sri's on the list based from the list , and other VIPs . For those who are into hot Mak Datins , well theres plenty to choose from . Those with more 'normal' tastes , there were the Mak Datins daughters . This was a formal wedding , which is the first time I see 3 different spoons and forks . Boy the meals made me full. I mean , the finale dessert was brownies and a vanila ice cream .. with nuts . For the first time , I couldn't finish a brownie .

I guess I was feeling a bit out of place . They all only know me by 'Emcee tu punya adik' , not my name . Obviously being the very rare 24 year olds in the family , you don't really get much attention . Not that I mind , but it can be a bit lonely when you're at weddings . Usual topic of conversation would be ' Sekarang belajar lagi ?' 'Oh kerja , kerja kat mana ?' 'Kenapa bila hujan Astro tak nampak? (this was the most famous question I get the entire night) ' bla bla ..

One of the highlights was when my Uncle Mus ( cousin's dad ) said one 'ayat power' during his speech - " I've been married for 69 years and I'll be 70 next year . Next year I would like to remarry my wife Sharifah ( my Dad's sister ) once again . " .... cue audience "Aww....." followed by applause . I mean , not only it was simple , from a straight guy's perspective , I think that line rocked ! Hit me right deep inside . Wish I could do that someday ...

The wedding ended with photo sessions on the pelamin and the usual rounds of 'Sekarang belajar lagi?' 'Oh kerja, kerja kat mana?' 'Kenapa ...' sigh you know la kan :P ..

A great wedding.

Eye of the Storm



Some things you have to go through it yourself. Nobody understands .

The Great Juggler


10th February 2007 , 08:40am .

The day and time where the great juggler failed to put on a good show , thus failing everyone. May he find solace in the company of the person who knows him best - himself. Pray that one day he may find his true worth and purpose in this unjust world ...

Sands of Time
( ..... no, not the Prince of Persia videogame , just thought it would make a cool title header :P )

I was browsing through random things on the net , from 'How To Land Your Dream Job' to '99 Most Desirable Celebs' to 'Hillary Duff likes to date ' bla bla ... Yes, I don't see how all that adds up to my current psyche but it was 'random' :P ..anyways , I have to say a lot has changed .

Change can be good , sometimes can be bad . Everything changes one way or another. A bit closer to reality , I changed . People and things around me changed . I used to be sloppy and out-of-sorts , but I guess I changed . At least I shave this hairy face more often than I used to nowadays , keeping myself cleaner .

I got few things I wanna blog about , yet I'm unable to channel which ones yet . Most of the time , it was more of from-the-gut thing and occassional serious discussions with purple and some close friends or family that inspires me . Expect a couple of posts here soon , as I recollect and rechannel my 'rhythm' back .

Back to the topic of change , change needs a friend called time to be effective . Without time , change will not be possible . Certain changes require different periods of time to take effect , while some can happen almost instantly . When you force upon something to change sooner than it actually should , you will disrupt the natural transition of it . The change might be premature or incomplete .

For us humans , we need two things to help us cope with change from time to time : patience and understanding . Two very delicate and abstract elements that can be very rare or come in abundance . Be patient over things you want to change and understand why that change takes place or why certain changes require more time than usual .

Personally , I think if we don't have those two elements within us , then it will be hard for us to grow and make anything happen for us . We might not be able to adapt to it so well . Be it a change of profession , residence , study ..whatever . So before you yourself start to change or you want to change something or someone , think carefully . Search yourself for the two elements and bear in mind its consequences . Like what Merovingian said in The Matrix " When there is cause there is consequence ... *sips on his cocktail* " .

Changing how an object looks like can be easier than changing how a person should behave . Objects don't have their own minds . Humans do . He / she must slowly adjust to the changing environment and it does not happen in a heartbeat . You cannot plant some seeds on the ground and expect it to grow few metres tall in days right ?

One change affects the other , will you be ready for it ?

24/24 - Part 3

Things I hope to see this year for my country :

- Less 'silent' racism and more tolerance
- More respect amongst each other
- More $$$ hehe
- Less 'rock kapak' , Mawi craze , Saiful Apek movies in Malaysia . Spice Girls once sang " Too
much of something, is bad enough..." . Yes , I used to listen to that song . Let's just put it out
there :P I'm not gay .
- Enough of this whole bumiputra bullshit , give everyone equal rights and reward based on
meritocracy rather than bloody quotas . Give every race what they want la senang .. sheesh !
- More Boyz II Men concerts hehe .. more R&B concerts would be great
- Gangsterism just has to stop emerging in schools . Sadly primary school kids are into this
whole ghetto gangsterism shit already . Siap ada 'abang' jaga sekolah .. wow , get a real job
man ...
- Lesser laziness
- Police corruption and politicial agendas has to stop
- Government projects should really look closely on other established countries for inspiration.
No point spending so much yet the problem remains unsolved . Don't spend on other useless
projects like building a new palace for millions of RMs when Johor really needs that money
right now for redevelopment .
- Better Malaysian cars . No more window problems and cheap parts please !!!
- Malaysian mentality to change , no more 'tidak apa' attitude

24/24 - Part 2

This is a post where I thought maybe I should say a simple 'Thank You' to everyone who has shaped me and seen me grow this far ..

Family
-------
Who else knows me best . Thank you for showing me how important it is to have a close knit family . Thank you for teaching me the values that made me withstand most of the evil temptations that could have destroyed me. "Family must be your backbone . Like a foundation of a building , without it , you can't build anything , everything falls apart." "Never hit a woman . " "Solat kena cukup" and the list of advices goes on .. Thank you .

Friends
--------
You all know who you are . Our lives lead different paths , but somehow each journey somehow affects us one way or another and we grew together. They say you learn a lot of life's lessons with your friends , maybe its true . I'm grateful to have a group of friends that I can really call true friends. Thanks yall .

My Purple Soulmate
--------------
Never have I learned so much about matters of the heart in such a short period of time . You opened my eyes and heart. You made me realise life is beautiful after all. And being goody-goody- play-by-the-rules and being your silly imperfect self do get you the girl sometimes! Thank you so much !

24/24 - Part 1

24th January 2007 , I am 24 . A date to remind myself that age is catching up nicely with me. I think I still consider myself young in a lot of aspects. I mean I try to look young and as clean as I can , and, to a certain extent , as less 'bulat like shrek' as possbile you know :P

If a person asks what have I learned for the past 24 years , I'd have to say :

- Never to neglect your religion
- Respect your family members by all means, eventhough it can be impossible sometimes
- Follow your instincts and don't over think your actions
- I'm always late , so punctuality is important
- Get your priorities right
- Money can be easily or difficult to gain , but it can also dissappear in just minutes
- Life is short
- Hardships can really shape a person
- Too much patience can be bad for you
- Life is full of choices , your choice determines your next path
- Never to be blinded by lust
- What other people think of you is not important, its about what you think of yourself
- It is OK to say 'No' once in a while
- You don't need to be someone you're not , to be accepted
- You don't have to smoke like a chimney , drink or take drugs to be cool . Coz , it ain't gonna
be cool once you get sick from the side effects :)
- Good health and happiness can be achieved with the right attitude
- Love takes time

and most importantly ,

- Cherish the people you love man . Seriously . I know this one's corny and might scare off those
'cool' girls I was trying to impress back then . But yeah, keep them close . I learned that from a
very special person .

Precious



Why do birds suddenly appear?
Every time you are near
Just like me they long to be
Close to you

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by
Just like me they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me they long to be
Close to you

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me they long to be
Close to you
Just like me they long to be
Close to you