2010
So the new year begins. I can't believe how much has changed year to year. Especially the evolution of my close friends, from young rebellious fledglings back in high school to fathers/mothers/husband/wife. Time indeed has passed swiftly and at a very fast pace.
Yet here I am. Still lost. While others have 'directions' to where they want they're lives to be, I, am still soul searching. 4 years being a slave to time, waking up and doing the same thing over and over and over again. When the clock hits the number 7, I will go back to my life. I envy others who love what they are doing while for me, I can't make a decision on my own without incurring the wrath of others close to me.
"Is this supposed to be my life or yours?"
Sometimes I feel like my soul happens to be slotted into this body just for the sake of it. This body was not supposed to be mine. This body is supposed to have a life of its own. I'm just stuck in this body so that people can dictate what they want and not what I want.
I envy those who can call reason, compassion and understanding as his/her pillars of strength. See, I don't get them. I do not have people around me with those qualities. Whenever I want to suggest what's good for me and my decisions, I am met with angry words, hostility and a constant reminder that $$ comes first.
I want closure. My life can't go on like this. There's so much out there. I want a lot of things, one of it is a 'career' , not a 'job'. I want a direction to how I will end my life. I can't go on being in this bad cycle forever. I know someone who has never gone through 'hard times' like how I had. Life's for this person is so nicely planned and you can almost feel that happy ending for them.
I cast a long pause every time I hear their stories. I wish my life would be as simple as them. Study -> Work -> Meet Someone -> Get Married -> Have Kids -> Die. So simple. I'm happy for them. Sometimes I feel maybe I'll die alone on my bedside, smiling in tears with a note that says 'Thank You' on my forehead.
Its eating me up inside. This, 'routine'. While others have already reached places, I'm still driving around in a roundabout, unable to decide which road to take. Each entrance has pros and cons.
Maybe this post comes across as me being a very twisted , complicated person. But truth be told, I'm not. I'm a very simple man. I want the same as what my friends have : a happy life. I love everybody I know and will go great lengths to prove it. But what if that love is not returned in similar weight and volume?
I want a very simple thing. Yet I'm forced to make decisions that would make things more complicated. All these are part of God's plans. So I can't really complain. If certain things are not meant for me, then why give it to me in the first place , only to take it back later? I kept asking God about that. I rather not receive it if I knew it was never to be kept forever.
What have I done wrong? You should give me that heads up long time ago God. Not now, after so many years.
I want closure. I want a new exciting chapter . So God, what say you?
So the new year begins. I can't believe how much has changed year to year. Especially the evolution of my close friends, from young rebellious fledglings back in high school to fathers/mothers/husband/wife. Time indeed has passed swiftly and at a very fast pace.
Yet here I am. Still lost. While others have 'directions' to where they want they're lives to be, I, am still soul searching. 4 years being a slave to time, waking up and doing the same thing over and over and over again. When the clock hits the number 7, I will go back to my life. I envy others who love what they are doing while for me, I can't make a decision on my own without incurring the wrath of others close to me.
"Is this supposed to be my life or yours?"
Sometimes I feel like my soul happens to be slotted into this body just for the sake of it. This body was not supposed to be mine. This body is supposed to have a life of its own. I'm just stuck in this body so that people can dictate what they want and not what I want.
I envy those who can call reason, compassion and understanding as his/her pillars of strength. See, I don't get them. I do not have people around me with those qualities. Whenever I want to suggest what's good for me and my decisions, I am met with angry words, hostility and a constant reminder that $$ comes first.
I want closure. My life can't go on like this. There's so much out there. I want a lot of things, one of it is a 'career' , not a 'job'. I want a direction to how I will end my life. I can't go on being in this bad cycle forever. I know someone who has never gone through 'hard times' like how I had. Life's for this person is so nicely planned and you can almost feel that happy ending for them.
I cast a long pause every time I hear their stories. I wish my life would be as simple as them. Study -> Work -> Meet Someone -> Get Married -> Have Kids -> Die. So simple. I'm happy for them. Sometimes I feel maybe I'll die alone on my bedside, smiling in tears with a note that says 'Thank You' on my forehead.
Its eating me up inside. This, 'routine'. While others have already reached places, I'm still driving around in a roundabout, unable to decide which road to take. Each entrance has pros and cons.
Maybe this post comes across as me being a very twisted , complicated person. But truth be told, I'm not. I'm a very simple man. I want the same as what my friends have : a happy life. I love everybody I know and will go great lengths to prove it. But what if that love is not returned in similar weight and volume?
I want a very simple thing. Yet I'm forced to make decisions that would make things more complicated. All these are part of God's plans. So I can't really complain. If certain things are not meant for me, then why give it to me in the first place , only to take it back later? I kept asking God about that. I rather not receive it if I knew it was never to be kept forever.
What have I done wrong? You should give me that heads up long time ago God. Not now, after so many years.
I want closure. I want a new exciting chapter . So God, what say you?
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