Bozo

Does the world need another troublemaker like me ?
Do I always have to hurt people ?
Must the people I care about suffer because of me ?
Why am I here in the first place ?
Is there redemption ?
Will I ever be forgiven ?
Til when must I keep making mistakes ?
Who will I become ? Someone I hated the most ?
Am I right ? or wrong ?

Mirror , mirror

Mirror :
Who do you see when you take a good look at me ?

Guy :
I see a smiley , round-faced , chubby looking guy . He even looks like Shrek at a glance ..

Mirror :
No , no .. what do you really see ?

Guy :

I see a very troubled face . So worried , so troubled .

Mirror :
Good .. what else do you see ?

Guy :
I see someone who is overly cautious but ended up being the most careless person .

Mirror :
Why do you say so ?

Guy :
Because whenever he thinks he is being careful , he ends up making a huge mess . Always misunderstood , always a victim of circumstances . People always get the wrong impression of the things he actually wanted to do . In the end , people start to hate him and starts getting pissed at him . Imagine a driver driving a car at 70km per hr then suddenly had a flat tyre on a normal straight road , do you blame the driver for that ? What can he do ? he was being careful But he ended up being late for a big event , then people start to accuse him , punish him , scold him , hate him , threatened him , abuse him etc .... do you think he deserves it ?

Mirror :
I don't think so , but well he does look ok at a glance , but the more you spend time looking at his face , it tells you a story .. a tragic one you might say . So many things on his mind , what is he thinking ?

Guy :

Lots of things . Some necessary , some are just petty little ones that keeps popping up once in a while . Some are wonderful , beautiful ... some are just plain sad and dark . He doesn't know how to loosen up a bit .

Mirror :
But people are not mind readers , he cannot expect people to understand unless he tells them .

Guy :
But neither is he ! yet he is always misunderstood . Always at the wrong end of things . Sometimes he wonders what happens if the world does not have his presence ? Would things have been different ? Would the world be a happier place ? Would there be less animosity ? less anger ? More peaceful ? Does the world really need him ? What can he offer that other people can't ? Has he done enough in this world ?

Mirror :
Those are strong words .. a bit suicidal in my books . Look , I'm a mirror , I reflect things . So look deeper into me , it might reflect more things to you .

Guy :
Maybe he wished that there might be certain things he could've done different . He makes mistakes , lots of em' . We all do . Sometimes I see this person sitting alone on the praying mattress , heads down , praying . Pray so that he could one day be important and appreciated in this routine , prison-like life . He prays for his loved ones . His family . Though he can sometimes be a pain -in-the-a$$ , all he wants to do is just make things right . He just wishes that he could just say a Big Sorry to everyone he's met , no matter how big or how little his mistake to them was .

Mirror :
Doesn't he have people who care for him ?

Guy :
Of course . They mean the world to him . Yet there are forces out there , forces beyond his control that would spoil it for him . He can't do anything . He knows his actions can be stupid and brash sometimes . So that's why he feels dissappointed with himself for doing this . He has wronged the people he loves .

He's on his knees now , begging , Please make it like it was ..................

Smile :)

Do you think certain negative things you encounter in your life can be swept away just by a smile ? I definitely wish it could . You try to smile to the people around you , your loved ones , family . No one really knows that sometimes a smile can be considered as a mask . A mask that covers how you truly feel , what you are going through etc ..

You try to act tough , strong , responsible ... but everyday seems like a battlefield of emotions inside of you . A lots of things you wish you could've changed , some words you wish you didn't say , some important information you wish you'd remember , some actions you wish should've or shouldn't have taken ... and because you don't want to be a beacon of problems among your friends , loved ones and family ... you hide this aspect of yours ... you smile .

You try to be cheerful .. hoping it would help ease the feeling . I guess the core requirement of being me is patience . God knows what happens if I don't have that in abundance with me . I think I'd be a very hot headed person and the most hated man around . Sometimes I wish I could be a little bit ruthless ... it gets things done sometimes .

I wish I could be the best companion , friend , son , brother . I wish I could remember everything , always know what's going on around me . I wish I could be able to do things just at the right time coz most of the time , 'right timing' doesn't happen to me all the time . I wish I could be there just at the right time like Superman ... but I don't have his senses , speed , strength .. nor do I have the ability to read minds . I'm just plain human . I make mistakes , I have flaws .

However , I try not to stay like that . I try to forget my flaws as a human and try my best to be what I should be . I try to fix things . Yes , of course its like a hit-and-miss sometimes , but the best about being human is , you learn and you grow from experiences . I don't know whether I have done enough to change things around me , maybe yes , maybe not . I don't know if I have been good or bad . Here I am standing alone trying to figure out whether my existence have made a difference to this demanding world we live in .

As humans , we fear things . Fear will always be around us as a reminder for us to be careful . Like an alarm . Yes , I fear too . I fear a lot of things . Besides God , what I fear the most as a human being is the fear of losing the people you love and care about . My alarm starts ringing when I sense something is trying to take something I care about from me . You sometimes behave irrationally , acting weird , saying ridiculous things ..you panic . What do you do to hide it ? .. you smile . All you can do deep down is pray that it will go away .

I'm not the best person there is out there and I am definitely far from perfect . I don't consider myself perfect if I can't even remember important things , do the right things , be at the right places , knowing how everything feels like etc ...

I guess I have not been the best of companion , friend , son , colleague , human lately . This is just one of those moments you know ... you talk crap . Maybe I set the bar too high for myself this time , I don't know ...

*readers (if any) , please ignore wht this guy is writing about .. he's in his crappy little zone right now ... he's perfectly alrite *

Wake me up when September ends ? tsk tsk

Can't believe the last entry was on August 14th , its been that long ? Maybe this blog needs some updating . Well I don't really have that many updates til now . In case some of you are wondering how I've been , well I'd like to say I am doing just fine . Been working 2 weeks , non-stop last month . So I decided and said to myself "hmm..maybe I need to go somewhere and have a peace of mind" . And so I made the necessary calls and bookings for a trip to the 'Pearl of The Orient' , Penang . Penang was good . I can safely say that there are still nice beaches in Malaysia . The weather was perfect , hotel service excellent .

Don't believe me ? Check it out :





And it gets better ..







Here's a few shots of the hotel :





I've never had so much beef bacon and omelette for breakfast in my whole life here :





Well there you go . I would recommend anyone to come to Penang at this time of the year ... I don't sound like a tour guide am I ? hehe ...

Pictures are courtesy of an RM1299 Exilim camera btw :) .. None of those beautiful pics would be possible without it . Places like these , you can't rely on your small Razr V3 you know ..

Atmosphere ? hmm well most of the tourists are from the Middle East and old European folks . I got a shock of my life when I saw a Burkha-wearing Arab lady come landing down the beach , full-face covered , landing with a parachute ! 'Someone' was mean and gave her the name 'Flying Fox' ! I thought we're being attacked by Cobra Commander from the G.I Joe cartoon . Another incident was at night when we were walking along the beach . Suddenly we saw 2 shadows coming out from the woods! hehe isshh I kinda wonder , does it have to be black ? tak panas ke ? macam Nazgul ( LOTR ) pun ader .. scary shit man .. hehe . Just a joke . Please don't think I'm being mean . :) .

Overall , it was an excellent holiday throughout , but like they say "Its not about how or where you spend it , its the company you spend together with that counts" :) .. there goes my ayat manis .. hope I'll score some brownie points hehe ..

Peace ..